I shouldn’t have driven home from the bar last night. Especially since I walked there

I’m not bossy, I just know exactly what you should be doing.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar.

HELLO, this is your mobile. There is no particular problem. I just wanted to leave your pocket, the smell is unbearable!!!

When my wife starts to sing I always go out and do some garden work so our neighbors can see there’s no domestic violence going on

Patient: Doctor help me please, every time I drink a cup of coffee I get this intense stinging in my eye. – Doctor: I suggest you remove the spoon before drinking.

A nice old lady on a bus offers the driver some peanuts. He’s happy to take some. He asks her after a while why she isn’t having any herself. “Oh, young man,” she says, “they’re too hard on my poor teeth, I couldn’t.” “Why did you buy them at all then?” wonders the driver. “You see, I just love the chocolate they’re covered in!”

In Spain, there is a tradition after a bullfight to serve the mayor the bull’s testicles. – One day after a bullfight, the mayor asks the waiter: “Funny, why are they so small today?” – The waiter: “Today, sir, the bull won.”

My Bills are so big that I have to call them William now.

“911 operator what’s your emergency” “Are ya’ll hiring?”

I spend 95% of the time out of bed wishing I was back in bed.

Phew! Thank you, warning label. I was actually considering using my toaster in the shower this morning

Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.

How come “you’re a peach” is a complement but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why are we allowing fruit discrimination to tear society apart?

I saw a funny man at the beach, he was yelling “Help, shark! Help!” I just laughed, I knew that shark wasn’t going to help him.

How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

Dance like no one’s going to put it on YouTube.

The best memories come from bad ideas on genius mind .

slept like a baby last night…. Waking up every 3 hours crying for food

Sorry I’m late, I didn’t want to come.

For you men who think a woman’s place is in the kitchen, remember… That’s where the knives are kept.

I am deleting the word common sense word out of the dictionary because it doesn’t just exists.

Time is precious. Waste it wisely

Curosity killed the cat, but I was suspect for a while

My favorite mythical creature: A Honest Politician.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it

The longer the title the less important the job.

It’s usually the ones with the dirtiest hands pointing the fingers.

Silence is Golden. Duct tape is Silver :P

Make sure your worst enemy is not living between your own two ears.

You can either be right, or you can be the husband.

I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.

Nowadays, the average child has four parents.

If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.

I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

I hate it when I’m singing along to a song and the artist gets the words wrong.

God died for our sins, so if you don’t sin god died for nothing.

I know it’s 3 meals a day, but how many should I eat at night?

soo the oil leak finally stopped,way to go Obama..took you long enough

I have no problem giving credit when credit is due. But giving payment when payment is due is an entirely different thing.

Ummm,, Can we just admit we may have taken this anybody can grow up to be President thing a bit too far.

I like to name my iPod ‘Titanic’ so when it says ‘Syncing Titanic’ i click cancel and it makes me feel like a hero.

Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

The only thing that could stop me from taking selfies is a photo of what I look like taking selfies.

When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight… to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.

Decided to make a life altering decision today… When I think of it I’ll let you know

People leave you out in the cold and get mad when you learn how to get warm by yourself.