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It was a woman who drove me to drink and I never got the chance to thank her.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, try three.
if I am wired with you then I like you..
I was bored so I said “Wow, that’s a weird place to put a piano.” You wouldn’t believe how many people looked around for a piano. I was in an elevator.
Today’s forecast; severe attitude warnings possible throughout the day, scattered sarcasm showers, and a strong chance of annoyance later in the day… 😛
You can’t always control who walks into your life. but you can control which window you throw them out of.
“I wasn’t that drunk yesterday.” “Oh boy you took the shower head in your arms and told it to stop crying.”
I didn’t sleep very good last night. So this morning I put Monster energy drinks in my coffee… I was half way to work when I realized I forgot my car.
if history repeats its self I’m totally getting a dinosaur.
Me and my bed are perfect for each other, but my alarm clock keeps trying to break us up.
That awkward moment when you realize that “deleting History” is more important than “creating History” nowadays.
sometimes people come into your life and they need to stop doing that..
Women should not have children after 20. Really… 20 children are enough.
Some people are just so FAKE that if you look properly at the back of their neck, you’ll find a tag saying “MADE IN CHINA”
I’m going to stand outside.. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding..
Cops don’t like it when they tell you to put your hands up in the air then you wave them like you just don’t care
Really disappointed to find out after laser eye surgery I am unable to burn down buildings…
One night, as I was lying in bed, I looked up at the stars and thought to myself: “What the fuck happened to the roof?”
WARNING!! I know karate …..and some other words!!!
I may be fat, but u’re ugly – I can lose weight!
How can I say we got freedom when we tied the chain with glass on the public water cooler? We just got the separate piece of land not freedom.
Marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an overgrown male child who cannot be handled by his parents anymore.
If you are going to speak bad things about me on my back, come to me. I’ll tell you more and show some practical.
If your girlfriend claims that she never look at your fb profile, try changing your status and wait 2-3 minutes…
I’m actually not funny. I’m just really mean and people think I’m joking.
(._.) ( l: ) ( .-. ) ( :l ) (._.) They see me rollin, they hatin
Say this out loud fast: ”U R 2 6 C I 1 2 4 Q.”
Remembers the day when blackberry and apple were just fruit.
The best memories come from bad ideas.
Time to train for my favorite winter sport. Extreme Hibernation..
I have been upgraded to Santas naughty list Platinum member
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
Dont ruin a Good Today because of a Bad Yesterday
The only time success comes before work is in dictionary.
Every person you come across is a ‘People you may know’ notification.
I want everyone to meet you. You’re my favorite person of all time.
If I opened a camera store called Photo Shop, do you think I’d get sued by Adobe?
Was that lightning?!” “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…
I always dream of being a millionaire like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
I am such a good a cook even the smoke alarm hoots and hollers
The winner of the rat race is still a rat.
Just once, I would like to wake up, turn on the news, and hear. Monday has been canceled, go back to sleep :)
I just made a voodoo doll of myself. Can someone take it to the gym?
99% of people are stupid. Luckily, I’m part of the other 3%.
Looking at people’s mutual friends and saying “OMG HOW DO YOU KNOW THEM”
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
I’m pretty sure the best thing about Facebook is the ability to read other people’s fights.
I know the world isn’t going to end in 2015 because my yogurt expires in 2016!
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
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