Funny Facebook Status

Do you know what’d look good on you? Me :)

When I’m on my death bed, I want my final words to be “I left one million dollars in the…

FACEBOOK STORY: Add as friend – Approve -> Write something on wall -Intro – Everyday chatting – Ask number phone – Messaging – Calling – Meeting – Express love – Make relationship status – Hangout – Misunderstanding – Fight – Break up – Unfriend – Block :( THE END

Do you realize that in about 40 years, we’ll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?

Love is 1 drink and 2 straws. Marriage is “Don’t you think you’ve had enough!”.

Opportunity knocks for every man, but you have to give a woman a ring.

Im a math teacher. One plus two equals me and you

Excuse me is your last name Gillette? …because you are the best a man can get!

When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.

The secret to success is knowing who to blame for your failures.

You look like a cool glass of refreshing water, and I am the thirstiest man in the world.

The police are on the way to arrest you for stealing my heart, hijacking my feelings, and driving me crazy.

If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child.

Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

Do you have the time? ………………… O No, the time to write down my number? :)

I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried – but they wanted cash.

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

Hi, Im Mr Right. Someone said you were looking for me.

While waiting for the right person, have fun with the wrong one.

Lovely days in my life : Childhood Days, School Days & collage Days, Horrible days in my life : ONLY EXAM DAYS :)

Girls fall in love with what they hear. Boys fall in love with what they see. That’s why girls wear make up and boys lie.

My girlfriend asked if I would swim across the ocean for her, and I said It’s freaking, I’ll rent a boat…..

If couples who are in love are called LOVE BIRDS, then couples who always argue should be called ANGRY BIRDS

Most mothers feed their babies with little spoons and forks. What do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

I have a Date tonight, Woot Woot! (of course its with the couch, pillow and TV Remote, but its still a date. Right?)

It’s Christmas and 2015 is coming closer to an end! what’s the funniest thing you remember me doing this year??

Sorry, I can’t hangout. My uncle’s cousin’s sister in law’s best friend’s insurance agent’s roommate’s pet goldfish died. Maybe next time..

C.L.A.S.S – Come Late And Start Sleeping

Young love is two hearts with only one thing in mind.

A man typed in search box on Google : “What do women want?”. Google Replied : “We are also searching…”

I’ll be a billionaire once I’m done inventing this device that lets you punch people in the face over the Internet.

If you stop telling lies about me, I’ll stop telling the truth about you.

The hardest job facing kids today is to learn good manners without seeing any.

Okay mom…you know I love you…but I can’t accept your friend request on Facebook.

I wish I could google “things to eat in my fridge” so I wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed.

Remember, when she cancels a date she has to But when he cancels a date he has TWO.

A man asks a trainer in the gym: I want 2 impress that beautiful girl , which machine can I use? Trainer replies: Use the ATM

Facebook is the only place where it’s acceptable to write on a wall.

Harush says if you want to be together you have TO-GET-HER.

I’m a smart person, I just do stupid things.

Thinks I feel great when I go to bed drunk. I wake up feeling crap. Obviously sleep is bad for you.

I don’t get it, all my life I was told NOT to write on walls.

Behave, What you do today will be on Facebook tomorrow.

Some relationships are like tom and Jerry, they irritate each other, they tease each other, but they still can’t live without each other..

Growing older is compulsory Growing up, however, remains optional.

The best way to look younger, hang out with older people.

I’m usually charming, nice, and well manured, OK for those who really know me you can laugh now..

If you like me press like. If you hate me, go away. If you love me comment.

Don’t you hate when the person you’re Facebook talking never updates anything.

Women only need 3.5 inches to achieve maximum pleasure, it’s called a credit card.