Facebook Jokes

Laziness is my middle name.

Dear Ceiling Fan, If you could hold my weight, i would never be bored again. Sincerely, Bored.

Between Facebook texting, tweeting and email, I haven’t spoken a word in the last 3 years.

Men are like BLUETOOTH connection, when UR beside them they stay connected but when you are away they search for new devices.

When you really want to slap someone, do it and say “mosquito.”

Your time, energy and love is precious make sure that it is not wasted and preciously invested when dating.

It’s just Facebook, I wish people would keep it real and stop frontin.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, i am afraid of widths.

You don’t have to like me, I’m not a Facebook status.

Congratulations!! You are the 100th person to view my status. To see your prize please click Control + W.

I wish I could google “things to eat in my “fridge” so I wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed.

Facebook is like jail, you sit around and waste time, write on walls, and get poked by people you don’t know.

If people have a problem with u, always remember, it is THEIR problem..

Don’t be afraid to make mistakes..

The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.

Vote Up Vote Down My Facebook wall is broken.

All work and no play, will make you a manager.

If you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

Why can’t shampoo and conditioner run out at the same time?

It`s too late to apologize. The damage is done.

you`re sorry ? that`s cool. go write a book about it and let someone who actually cares read it.

Why does paper beat rock? if you hold a paper in front of your face and i throw a rock at it who wins?

If bar tenders aren’t allowed to sell alcohol to drunk people, then McDonald’s shouldn’t be allowed to sell food to fat people.

My friend has just updated his status saying. Is balancing on the edge of a cliff.. So i poked him.

I’m the kind of person who bumps into inanimate objects, says, Oops, I’m sorry. And doesn’t stop to ask himself why he’s talking to a wall.

Next time someone presses the elevator button you’ve already pressed, act totally impressed and tell them they did it waaaay better than you..

thinks that facebook should change the status question from “what’s on your mind?” to “what’s your problem today?”

Women are like boats: they require constant maintenance and attention, and they cost a lot of money. Men are like buses: another one will eventually come along.

Math questions are so stupid! They’re like “If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other, what do I have?” Oh I dunno, a drinking problem maybe?

Beauty isn’t measured by outer appearance and what clothes we wear, but what we are inside ..So, try going out naked tomorrow and see the admiration!

It’s raining, It’s pouring. Facebook is boring. I’m bored to death, I’m going to bed, hopefully we’ll meet in the morning!

Do you know why a previous relationship is called EX? It`s not the term for the past. EX is short for EXpired..

That awkward moment when you say goodbye to someone and you end up walking in the same direction.

Why do you talk so fast?” “Why do you listen so slow?”

I don`t have a bad handwriting, I have my own font.

Life is hard normally, but its harder if you are Stupid.

Hey, I found your Nose, it was in my business again.

Never Say Neverrr, you just said it twice ?

Is your name Summer.? because you are as hot as hell.