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I’m actually not funny. I’m just really mean and people think I’m joking.

(._.) ( l: ) ( .-. ) ( :l ) (._.) They see me rollin, they hatin

Say this out loud fast: ”U R 2 6 C I 1 2 4 Q.”

Remembers the day when blackberry and apple were just fruit.

The best memories come from bad ideas.

Time to train for my favorite winter sport. Extreme Hibernation..

I have been upgraded to Santas naughty list Platinum member

A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.

Dont ruin a Good Today because of a Bad Yesterday

The only time success comes before work is in dictionary.

Every person you come across is a ‘People you may know’ notification.

I want everyone to meet you. You’re my favorite person of all time.

If I opened a camera store called Photo Shop, do you think I’d get sued by Adobe?

Was that lightning?!” “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…

I always dream of being a millionaire like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.

I am such a good a cook even the smoke alarm hoots and hollers

The winner of the rat race is still a rat.

Just once, I would like to wake up, turn on the news, and hear. Monday has been canceled, go back to sleep :)

I just made a voodoo doll of myself. Can someone take it to the gym?

99% of people are stupid. Luckily, I’m part of the other 3%.